Lantern Path Counselling
Cory Stevens, RCC
Polysecure
Jessica Fern
Jessica Fern is a therapist specializing in trauma and relationships who leverages her lived experience as a polyamorous person to adapt attachment theory to ethical non-monogamy (ENM). The book explores both attachment theory and non-monogamy in depth before moving to integrate them. Fern discusses nested attachment, which is the idea that security in non-monogamous relationships depends just as much on people’s relationship with themselves as the relationship with their partner. She also looks at how early relational experiences and trauma influence how people show up in close relationships as adults, and asserts that non-monogamy doesn’t create attachment complexity so much as reveal it.
What it offers
Polysecure offers so much beautiful language for naming and understanding what’s happening when challenges come up in ENM relationships. It validates jealousy, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and difficulty meeting the needs of multiple partnerships. The book serves as an excellent primer on both attachment theory and ethically non-monogamous relationships for anyone unfamiliar or curious about either subject. Fern’s HEARTS model also gives readers a practical map for building relational security, emphasizing that security with the self needs to be just as much a priority as security with others.
You Might Want to Read This If You:
- Are in or are curious about non-monogamous relationships
- Are experiencing jealousy or insecurity in relationships
- Are curious about your attachment patterns or how traumatic experiences may have impacted your relationship with yourself or others
- Want ideas or resources for supporting your partners more effectively
A Note From Cory
Attachment theory is commonly used in counselling contexts to understand the challenges that show up in relationships, but the theory itself has historically been quite hetero- and mono-normative. Polysecure informs so much of the work that I do with queer and/or non-monogamous relationships. As a polyamorous person myself, Jessica Fern working to adapt attachment science to better serve people who are constantly being shamed and invalidated just for doing relationships differently feels very important and validating.
How Accessible It Is
Attachment science can be challenging to follow if the concepts are new, and there’s a lot of terminology that exists under the ENM umbrella. I would not describe this as a light read, but it is a rewarding one.