Lantern Path Counselling
Cory Stevens, RCC
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Emily Nagoski, PhD
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and researcher who constantly receives questions about sex and sexuality from friends, friends of friends, students, colleagues, and complete strangers. In a society that is often sex-negative and misinformed, there is a desperate need for clear, compassionate answers based on the most current scientific research on sex – and Nagoski has certainly provided. The book presents the dual-control model, which describes sexual response as a balance between an accelerator (what turns us on) and brakes (what shuts down arousal). It also emphasizes the importance of context, which is the idea that our sexual response is profoundly influenced by stress, safety, relationship quality, and the stories that we carry about our own body and desire.
What it offers
Normalization and validation of sex, sexuality, and the human body are on offer here. Nagoski argues that as long as you’re not experiencing pain, then your body and genitals are normal. (And if you are in pain, it just means that you should consult a medical professional.) Her advocacy of this premise, along with the explanatory power of both context and the dual-control model, can help shed years of accumulated guilt and shame for people who have struggled with body image or been anxious, frustrated, or confused by their body’s response (or lack thereof) to sexual situations.
You Might Want to Read This If You:
- Have ever felt “wrong” or “broken” sexually
- Are experiencing low or mismatched desire in your relationship(s)
- Are intrigued by the science of sexuality
- Are holding shame or confusion about their bodies or desires
A Note From Cory
Hot take: I think that sex is wonderful, healthy, and important to talk about. It is tremendously disappointing to me that we live in a culture that both over-saturates us with sexuality and under-educates us about it. This leads to shame, confusion, and a lack of open communication that impacts people’s well-being and their relationships. The antidote, as far as I am concerned, is books like this that de-mystify the topic, provide the best information currently available, and encourage people to reflect on their relationship to sex and their body.
How Accessible It Is
It’s written for a general audience – no prior knowledge required. Human genital anatomy, sex, sexuality, arousal, and desire are discussed in a direct, but conversational tone. Illustrated genital diagrams are included. The author acknowledges that the book was written with cisgender women in mind, mostly because the research literature on trans and genderqueer sexual functioning is still emerging. However, the frameworks presented are broadly applicable across genders and orientations.