Working with ENM/polyamorous relationships, I draw on the work of Jessica Fern, a counsellor and published author who has done great work adapting attachment theory (which is historically very mononormative) for ENM relationships. Fern’s work is as a great bridge between more traditional attachment-based therapy, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, and the complex problems that show up in ENM relationships.

I also use polyvagal theory, which is about understanding the way that our nervous systems process cues of safety and threat. This is useful for understanding jealousy or relationship insecurity as adaptive responses to the perception of relational threats. Once we start to understand anxious insecurity as something that our nervous system is doing to protect us, we can respond to those experiences with compassion, reassurance, and move back into regulation.

I also take time to explore your attachment history. Understanding the home environment and close relationships that people had when they were young can help us understand how what we learned in those relationships shows up in our relationships as adults. Did our childhood home environment teach us that it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable? Or that we would eventually be abandoned by people that we care about? Exploring these important questions in a careful, trauma-informed way can often lead us to valuable insights and help you shift away from older relational dynamics that are no longer serving you.